Before You Left,, Phan
by wowyoung
Summary: 16 calls. 20 days.
1. Chapter 1

_"When I first met you, I thought we were gonna have forever. Forever to make videos, forever to make fun of each other, forever to laugh, forever to just be with each other…_

 _"I loved you so much and I didn't know what to do with the love I felt for you. Should I tell you how I feel? Did you feel the same way? Do y- Did you? I guess I'll never know now…_

 _"When I first looked into your eyes, I knew I wanted to spend forever with you. Not necessarily in a marriage kind of way, but I just wanted to spend forever watching that smile and those eyes. You were so beautiful. I knew I was in love._

 _"And just—you weren't perfect, at all. And that's what made you perfect, if that makes sense. You had your moments when you were just plain moody, or you shut everyone out. That happened a lot, actually… And afterwards, you would never tell me what happened to make you upset, or if it was me who upset you. Was it me? Did I upset you?_

 _"And—dammit—"_ By this time, my eyes had already filled up with tears and they were starting to spill from my eyes. It didn't seem real…

 _"Now I'm crying, and its all your fault. Its all your fault, you know? All your fucking fault. I hope you know that, I really hope you do. Its all your fucking—"_ I had to take a deep, shaky breath.

 _"Fuck you, you… I don't even know. All I can do is sit here on your stupid bed, leaving you a stupid voicemail you'll never be here to get around to…"_

My finger hung over the red 'end call' button.

 _"Why do I even waste my time?"_

'Call Ended'


	2. Chapter 2

_"W-w-why am I-I even doing th-this?"_

My voice shook as the call went to voicemail, as expected.

 _"Its pointless, y-you'll never an-answer…"_

Tears fall from my eyes as I press the red button.

'Call Ended'


	3. Chapter 3

_"I told the fans a few days ago, about a week after you… left. They are fucking devastated. How could you do this to them? How could you leave them feeling like this? How could you? That is just so fucking heartless. HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME HERE?"_

I am yelling by this point.

 _"DON'T MY FEELINGS MEAN A THING TO YOU? OR THE FANS FEELINGS? OR ANYONES FEELINGS? HOW ABOUT YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY, PHIL? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THEM LIKE THIS? H-" My words end in a sob. "How could you die, Phil… Why did you do it? Fucking… Why?"_

There was a silence.

 _"I don't understand…"_

'Call Ended'


	4. Chapter 4

_"I guess this is gonna be a daily thing here, or at least every other day."_

I chuckled softly, but it sounded forced.

 _"Anyway, umm, I don't know what to say that won't piss you off."_ I realized what I just said and heaved a huge sigh. _"Goddamn you, Phil. I still don't believe it. I still don't believe that you of all people— Even I wouldn't have done this—AND PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS THE SAD ONE, PHIL. THEY THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. AND THEN YOU—They even wrote fucking phanfiction about stuff like this."_

I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face in my knees. _"Fuck you, Phil Lester."_ My voice was muffled. _"Fuck you."_

'Call Ended'


	5. Chapter 5

_"Heya Philly."_

My voice came out light and giggly. _"Guess what's happenin'? I'm at a party and maybe I've had one too many drinks and I may be a lot drunk, but I still wanna call ya."_

I smiled a sad smile.

 _"I kinda wish you were still here, ya know? I miss cuddling with you during the night when one of us had a bad dream. I loved you so much, and it was never gonna happen. I know it."_

The sound of a crash echoed through the loud house.

 _"Well, Phillip, I've gotta go. Sounds like the parties finally becoming fun."_

'Call Ended'


	6. Chapter 6

_"Ummm, heya Philly."_ My voice is really quiet. _"I got drunk yesterday, obviously. The result is in the voicemail from yesterday that you'll never get. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I haven't filmed a single video since telling them you died. I don't know what to film and they keep thinking I'm dead._

 _"I think I'll just put something on Twityer. Maybe a halfhearted joke or something._

 _"But ummm, yeah. I miss you a lot. I really need you here. Why did you have to leave… I coulda helped you with whatever you needed hep with. I could've gave you a hug and told tou everything you need to hear…_

 _"I just don't know anymore. I don't think I can keep going on like this…"_

'Call ended'


	7. Chapter 7

_"I—um… I'm gonna go to Peej's place tonight. Okay? I can't take all the memories here and its only been a week…So yeah…"_

'Call Ended'


	8. Chapter 8

_"Peej's place was actually a terrible ideo. Chris came over and I kept looking to where you should be but you weren't there and I can't take it anymore. I need you here. I need your stupid innuendos and your cute jokes. I need you. Just… Come back, please…"_

'Call Ended'


	9. Chapter 9

" _I hate to break it to you Phil, even though you're fucking dead, but suicide is pointless. It just makes everything fucking worse. Everone's sad and everyone's missing you too much. It was so fucking selfish of you to go of and kill yourself._

 _"Your funeral is soon, and I don't know if I even want to go anymore. Why should I send you off when all you did is hurt me? You are a bad person, Phil, and I hate you._

 _"Its all your fault."_

'Call Ended'


	10. Chapter 10

'No Call Today'


	11. Chapter 11

_"No call yesterday. Sorry, buddy."_

I chuckled softly, but it was forced.

" _Something came up with your family. They needed help picking something good out for your funeral._

 _"Yeah, that was hard."_ I sighed. _"I never expected to have to do that for my own best friend. It kinda makes it seem a little bit more real. Just a little._

 _"Well, I obviously still wake up for breakfast and go to your room until I'm in your room and I realize that your not fucking there. That kinda shit breaks my hesrt. Like how we don't eat meals together anymore, or watch anime, or film. Anything like that._

 _"The house seems so damn empty without you popping into my room to ask for something you need for a video, or you showing me something adorable from your phone, or even the weird shit you watched on the tv. I miss it all, goddamnit._

 _"I'm so sorry."_

Call Ended.


	12. Chapter 12

_"You know what? I really love you. Even though your gone. I keep thinking about you all the time, and I ask myself all these questions._

 _"What if I was with you now? What if I was dead too? Just like you? Would I not hurt anymore? Would all the pain just go away?"_

I breathed in a shaky sigh.

 _"I just don't know, Phil. I don't know."_

Call Ended.


	13. Chapter 13

_"I'm so confused. Because the person I always turned to when I was sad is gone._

 _"Because that person is you, Phil. You knew that, right? I trusted you more than anyone, right?_ _"Right?"_

Call Ended.


	14. Chapter 14

_"I finally coaxed myself into going into your room. It was... the same, if I'm being honest. Nothing was out of place, and your bed sheets were still as messy as they were when you had got up that morning._

 _"Nothing suggested you were gonna do something like this._ _"Except for one thing, Phil. This."_

 _There was a sound of paper rustling and the clearing of a throat._

 _"'Dear Dan,_

 _Hey, its Phil obviously. Hahaha... well I want to write you this, even though your sitting in the next room at the moment. I want to say goodbye-'"_

 _I am trying to not cry._

 _"The paper is ripped in half here. I can't find the other half. Where is it? I want to read it.. was I really in the next room while you were writing a fucking suicide note? Really?"_

Call Ended.


	15. Chapter 15

_"I want you to know I don't forgive you. For anything you caused by going this. For killing yourself or any of the other stupid things that has caused._

 _"But I will forgive you for not telling me you felt like this. I... I understand what you might have been going through. I am— ummm. I am questioning things as well. Not that kind of thing, don't take it the wrong way. Other things... Things I used to do to myself._

 _"The thing is, I don't know what to do now that you're gone."_

Call Ended.


	16. Chapter 16

'No Call Today'


	17. Chapter 17

'No Call Today'


	18. Chapter 18

'No Call Today'


	19. Chapter 19

There's only silence.

'Call Ended'


	20. Chapter 20

_"I know how you feel now, Phil. I mean, felt. I know how you felt when you did what you did. You felt alone and forgotten and lonely._

 _"But I was there for you. You had someone to talk to. Now I'm feeling like you did, and I have no one. You were my someone, and know your not here._

 _"You had someone to talk to, while I don't. You had a choice to talk to someone, yet you chose not to. I don't have a choice, but I would if I could._

 _"Its not fair. Life's not fair. Nothing is fucking fair and that's why I'm going to do this. I'm going to do just what you did, Phil. Because I don't think I can live a single second more without you here._

 _"So here we go, Phil."_

 _My voice is breathless by the last sentence._

 _"I won't cry. I'll be seeing you soon."_

 **A/N oh wow I finished it I feel accomplished how you all enjoyed. My next phanfiction will be... interesting... it is called Hitch Hiking**


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